If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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