people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
