Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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