My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
