I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
