I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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