Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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