Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
