Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
