he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
