he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize