I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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