I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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