I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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