I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
