I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize