I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
