too bad you live with your parents still
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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