I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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