Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
