you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
