I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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