If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
not ubering you a puppy
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
