There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
