I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
