I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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