he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
