Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
