No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
