Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
