I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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