I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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