I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
