He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
