I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
