I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
