You smell like stripper and shame
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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