"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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