covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
