Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
