She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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