i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
