and you said cock pushups were impossible
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
