when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
