tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
