I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
