the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
