You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You made out with two different species that night
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
