My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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