Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
