the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
