So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize