One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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