just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
