I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
