Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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