Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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