my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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