You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
