so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize