If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just google imaged poop.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
