Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
